WARNING: This is NOT a fashion post you’ll normally see. There will be profanity and not suitable for the fainted heart (sarcasm).
My life always revolves keeping busy. Whether it’s family, friends, blog stuff, social meetings or hobbies, I always have something going on. I don’t know how to fucking sit still. That’s who I’ve been all my life.
I do it, because I get bored easily and constant motion means, I’m not wasting time. There’s too much out there to live for. Or maybe I get so obsessed with achieving goals, I LOVE to get rewarded with compliments.
The realization came when I was having dinner with one of my dearest friends, Irene. She mentioned that I “look skinny”, not like a compliment, more like she was concerned. She was not the only one that said that. I’ve been receiving the same comments from friends that haven’t seen me in awhile.
When you hear the same things multiple times, you start to believe them. Then I began to question myself…. I wasn’t working out much, nor was I dieting. Why do I look so skinny?
Irene says, “Looking at Facebook, you seemed really busy….. Are you doing too much?”
Maybe I was.
I started to look through my “to-do” list and became very anxious. My mind is going miles per minute, between remembering to buy groceries, to meeting a friend for dinner to posting a photo on Instagram. Anxiety was building up and I get very tense. It could explain the bad moods.
When I finally realized that I was spreading myself too thin, I re-evaluated my prior commitments. I asked myself, does any of these things bring me happiness? What does it add to my life? Is it worth missing time spent with my family?
So I started to cancel a few activities that was bugging me. The most I felt anxious about was the triathlon I signed up for few months ago. I didn’t train enough to race the course. It built a lot of anxiety, like a dark cloud hovering the back of my brain. My conscience kept telling me I needed to keep up with my swimming and biking.
It was literally fucking driving me insane.
Part of me wanted to do it because I didn’t want to give up. Another part of me was trying to prove something to everyone. Then, I made the realization that I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was doing it for everyone’s approval. That I needed my close friends and family to tell me “I’m amazing”.
Shit! I know I’m amazing AF. I don’t need validation. I just have to believe in it.
So you know what! I said fuck it. I’ve done a similar race before. I know I can do it. I don’t need to prove to anyone and I’m fine with that. In the past, I would feel like a failure. But I was happy with my decision. I rather have my sanity!
LEARNING ABOUT ME
During this self-reflection, I learned the importance about balancing life. Keeping busy with meaningless things doesn’t fulfill me. I need to spend time on stuff that matters.
I’ve even consider going to see a therapist. To talk to someone that won’t have judgment or opinions about me. After discussing with my friends who battling with mental illness and depression, I realize there’s no wrong in seeking help even if you’re “fine”. Curing your brain and heart, leads to a healthier life.
At age 41, I’m still trying to figure shit out. I thought I could rule the fucking world by the time I was in my twenties. That’s such bullshit. I was so WRONG!
You’ll never stop learning about yourself….
Sometimes you just have to pump the breaks, breathe, reflect and press “reboot”.
Photos by Emily Cheng